Lately I’ve been having a lot of second thoughts and doubts about my online presence as a whole, but especially in the blogging department. I’m not really enjoying it right now. I took a break (more like a “breaklette”) to try to deal with some personal things recently. And while I missed blogging… coming back to it has not exactly been fun either. It certainly has not been what I was expecting it to be. Though why I thought it would be anything other than what it has been I don’t know.

I guess I am just feeling sorely overlooked and forgotten right now. Before when I blogged, there wasn’t really any set content; it wasn’t very structured. it was just… me. Now that I’ve come back I am trying to be more structured in my content. The hope was that having a more structured blog would encourage more regular readers, and more reader participation.

Comments are important in the blogging world. Without comments… a person can feel like there is no point, like nobody cares about what they are writing. That is how I am feeling at the moment. Nevermind the fact that my stats show there are hardly even any readers in the first place, anyway.

I’m trying to remind myself it has only been a week, and I need to give it time to pick up. But I won’t deny that there is a very big part of me that feels that will not happen no matter how much time I give it. I see these other blogs that are so successful, with lots of regular readers and lots of comments from the readers… and I wonder how in the world they ever did it. Because I can never seem to get that to happen for me. I am not new to blogging. I’ve been at it for about 4 years now. And in that time I have NEVER been able to gain a regular reader base, and I have NEVER had much reader participation.

My photography blog… thought it was a brilliant idea at first. I thought hey what a great way to promote my photography and get to know the people who like my work and let them get to know me a bit better too. A way to promote my etsy shops, too. I thought I’d have contests fairly regularly, offering free prints or bookmarks, discounts on etsy purchases etc. That has all just blown up in my face.

THIS blog… meh. There isn’t much to say about it, other than it feels like a ghost-blog. There’s nobody here but me. The same is true of bravenet. I made another wordpress blog just the other day that is actually on the wordpress site, because my web host has been having some issues lately and that was making this blog and the photography blog inaccessible and I needed a back-up in case the problems continue or get worse… and because inevitably my contract with my host will expire. And I highly doubt I will be renewing my service when that happens next year, so those blogs will be gone when that happens.

I am feeling like quite a failure right now… my web site has turned out to be a waste of money. Etsy has been a waste of time and money as well. Which in turn means all the hundreds of dollars I have spent on supplies to make all that jewelry and everything has been a waste, too. The blogs are all completely pointless. I am even doubting the investment made to get my DSLR. I love that thing dearly… but I’m really doubting that this dream of mine is ever going to be more than that.

I’m getting tired of trying, and feeling so alone in my efforts and forgotten, like what I have to say doesn’t matter to anyone but me. I’m tired of trying so hard to make a career of something I honestly don’t think I have the talent for anymore. People keep telling me to just keep trying, don’t give up, even the most successful people in the world faced a lot of rejection before they finally made it. But you know what? I’m not that strong. I’m not those people who can keep trying and never give up - I don’t have that kind of faith and courage left in me. A girl can only take so many rejection letters before thinking maybe the only person who thinks she’s got even the tiniest bit of talent and potential is herself. More and more I wonder if I SHOULD just call it quits and keep photography as simply a hobby, and just make a career of accounting instead. I have the schooling for it. There are plenty of jobs available for it. Unlike photography which has proven impossible to succeed at. I love what I do, but if I were to go into accounting then at least I’d actually be making money. The way things are now with my photography, I am putting all my heart and soul into it, spending my dad’s money on it, and not getting anywhere with it. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. It isn’t working, and it’s not making me happy anymore. None of it - blogging, photography, etsy… it’s all just such a waste.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m not sure it even matters one way or another.